ok, my attempt to blog without sounding redundant and boring, and whiny, and just plain retarded. what to write, what to write.

yes, again, i should be stuyding. i should be painting, i should be pasting my projects for my portfolio...i should be working on all of those dang "ministry boards," i should be getting stuff ready for the wedding, i should be cleaning my room, i should be SLEEPING! but no, i've resulted to checking my email, chatting, and blogging. *sigh* am i pathetic or what?

i hate nitemares....especially when it concerns ppl you care about and they get hurt. it sux when it feels so real; so real that you wake up and think to yourself, did that really happen?? and you lie in bed wondering if it really happened and you forgot about it, or if it will happen. you lie in bed, you can't go back to sleep cuz it's so disturbing. i hate those. i had one the other nite. scared the heck out of me. so when i called that person just to see how they were doing, and to, in some weird way, give me peace of mind, they didn't answer the phone...i left a voice mail around 1 am. i knew that they weren't asleep, but then it worried me cuz i didn't know where they were at...ahhh, it's complicated to explain. so the past few nites, the stereo has been playing all nite...just to lull me to sleep.

it's weird, i've noticed that when watching tv or movies, i totally cringe and close my eyes at blood, stab wounds, or er-like scenes. it really grosses me out. but the funny thing is, i can watch people get totally blown to bits, beat up, etc...am i twisted or what? eh, who can explain or even understand me...lol.

sheesh, when one person asks, it's like they send everyone messages to ALL ask me. no, i don't have a boyfriend. no, i don't like anybody. no, i'm not dating anyone. no, i'm not going to sb with anyone...i'm not going period. no, i'm not interested in anyone. and no, i'm not "looking" for anyone at the moment ai-yah! stop asking! but since we're on the subject of guys, i've noticed that i like, not necessarily boys that are bad...just boys that are, well, *shrug* ones that i know i shouldn't consider having a close relationship with. the last few guys i've been attracted to were smokers, motor-cycle riding [THAT'S not bad!], kinda foul mouthed, some have KIDS...their morals and values weren't the same as mine. my beliefs, ways of life, and morals are something that are very important to me. so why was i attracted to them? other than the fact that they were good looking, i could always carry a conversation with them, they were all into art/graphics, they were easy to get along with and they were funny. and then i realized, geez, am i being shallow or what? i mean, if the main thing is that they're attractive? so there they went. i'm giving up on guys right now. i'm too busy with other stuff...'sides, boys are trouble...hahaahaha

ok, i think that's enough rambling for now. not that any of it made sense, i mean, good golly, it's 3 am! nite nite

so i should be studying right now cuz i have a 2 projects due tomorrow nite, a presentation due tomorrow, and a final friday. then a final monday and 2 tuesday. saturday and sunday i'll be too busy to study with all sorts of practices for church stuff and i know i should study now, but i just can't focus and concentrate on it. there are so many other things going on that i haven't planned things out well. ok, i have, but i guess i just refuse to do what i'm supposed to do. instead of being orderly and doing things in a mannerly fashion, i'm just letting things happen and rush at the last minute, get fed up with myself, curse myself out for bein such a lazy a@$ and then half a@$ the work. it's not that i don't want to do all the stuff that's coming up. i do, i want to do it all but then worrying about "background" stuff just adds to my dismal attitude.

i actually watched the season finale of dawson's creek. i can't even remember the last episode i watched. but i figured, what the heck, it's the last show, i might as well conclude it. can't say it was surprising. it was predictable. but i still think joey should be with dawson. *shrug* i think it's just weird that she's with pacey and not her "soul-mate." i don't think they needed to make it 2 hours either. they could've chopped it down to an hour and it would've been fine. cuz dragging on the "pacey or dawson" issue was getting annoying. well, anyway, it's over. can't wait for smallville and gilmore girls' finale next week....

it's hard being an accountability person for someone. ya know, if you want me to be your accountability person, then YOU have to committ to the "relationship" too. it's not going to work if you don't do anything. *sigh* maybe that's why i'm just so...blah about everything now. i worry too much, scared that something could happen, scared that something HAS happened and i just don't know about it yet.

another whole week since i've blogged...hmmm...a pattern is starting. *shrug* oh well.

so i'm supposed to be an accountability person for someone. i'm not very good at it. i'm trying and i really want to help, but i guess i just don't know WHAT to do...*sigh* and i'm trying not to let my emotions get in the way and be a "softy" about stuff...but sometimes i don't listen to myself very well. and i know that prayer works and that God can do anything. but sometimes, i don't remember very well. *sigh* and it's times like these where only crying makes you feel better.

meeting with the wedding coordinator of the church last week was interesting. she's very...controlling. which isn't BAD, but i foresee her to be kinda difficult to work with. *oyvay* it's going to be a wedding-planning experience to remember.

yikes, finals are starting this week. it's amazing how fast time has gone and then see how much stuff i'll HAVE to do in the summer. and so far, my eyes are ok. well, i'm guessin since i haven't noticed anything and i don't hafta see my dr till august. AFTER hawaii....lol, that way, he can't say i CAN'T go =D